I've been planning to end my own life recently. This doesn't come from a place of depression. Not at all. I know what depression feels like, I've lived it for the better part of 15 years and this is not it. I don't feel bad. Not anymore.
My cat died about a month ago. She was ancient, a bit into her 20s. Lots of health problems, I had to go to the vet every month. It was not cheap. I freed her from a bad home, many years ago. As strange as it sounds, I did not see it coming, at all. She did very well recently and her health was well-managed. She just suddenly collapsed. Thrombosis. She went from fine to dead inside of 40 minutes. All the vet could do for her was put her to sleep so she could pass quicker, with less pain.
She was all I really cared about. I'm an unemployed NEET. Certified mentally ill too, even though the (non-US) government tries to take my benefits away every other year or so. Sometimes in legal ways, sometimes in less than legal ways. They're currently in another attempt to. This one is one of the more brazen, less legal ones. They fail. They always do because I know my rights. The actual goal is just to wear me down. That I stop replying to their little threats and letters. Save some money. I used to get so upset about this. Now I just write my little letters and own threats back and I don't even really feel it anymore. I imagine to be upset because that's what I'm supposed to feel like in that particular situation but if I'm entirely honest to myself I'm not upset. I think eventually a few years down the road they might manage to take my benefits away because this corpo-facism is so hot right now. Maybe not. Who knows.
It feels so liberating to plan my death. I've chosen the "exit bag" method. The parts for that are easy to get and it's all really easy to put together and not dangerous for other people, which was important for me. It also seems painless, quick and non-messy, and I like that.
Even though I got the impression in the last 45 years on this planet that humanity is mostly a bunch of malicious monkeys, I still don't want to hurt anybody, not really. Not even my narcissist parents who are in failing health and imagine I'll start wiping their asses as soon as they won't be able to. My father is very close to that point. When I was a kid, he used to spend weekends at bars and brothels, often not coming home for days and being blackout drunk when he finally did. Every minute he had to spend time with his kids he made it very clear that it was a huge burden to him not to be either in a bar or in a hooker in that moment, mostly by endlessly screaming and being physically threatening towards us for every percieved slight or annoying noise we made. To this day, I cannot stand people yelling. Makes me livid. Anyways, my mother stayed for the money. She's somewhat better than him, but not by much. He's got Parkinson's and to be frank, he deserves every minute of it.
I'm very different compared to my brother and sister. These two are complete narc psychos too. (Yeah, for all you know I might be too and believe me I often wondered about it myself but just trust me, I am not) I sometimes think I might be the product of my mother doing a little cheating too, especially since I don't look like the rest of my family, at all. My therapist thinks it's mostly nuture and not only nature and she imagines I'm different because I had other influences. She says when you're very young it doesn't take a lot to turn out different, sometimes e.g. caring for a pet is all it takes to go down a different path. That might be true. I always loved cats and I cared a lot about the cats we used to have.
I got really exited about AI and it gave me somewhat of another lease on life two years ago. Then eventually I realized it's just another shiny tool for the few select rich to get just that little bit richer on the expense of all others and I immediately lost all interest. I did make some money on keggle though.
So yeah, I'm about to peace out and frankly, it makes me quite happy. It's funny that the same people who try to take my benefits away are also forcing me to live by making suicide basically illegal in my country. It's almost like these people hate people having dignity and agency or something.